I wrote this just a few days before Adam died. I never actually posted it at the time in its own right. Can't recall why, most likely because it was for me not anybody else. I'd forgotten I'd ever written until a friend reminded me by making reference to it a while back. I think about it often now when I see other parents faced with the same inevitability. It's almost impossible for me now to comprehend how this was ever my reality.Monday 8th July 2013
For reasons I do not fully understand an odd sense of calm has descended upon me these past few days. I think perhaps I have finally come to realise, understand, and begin to accept.
There is a time to fight, and we did that, for as long and as hard as we could; perhaps too long though I don't believe so.
There is a time to hold on, to focus on taking out of each day whatever you can within the limits of what circumstances will allow. We've been there a couple of times. After Adam completed immunotherapy, before a single suspicious lymph node was revealed to be the precursor to full-blown progression. And just recently whilst Adam has been comfortable at home, and we've been able to enjoy simply being in his company each day, overlaid with occasional special moments like our trip to Harry Potter Studios, and the school Tombola.
And then there is a time to let go … and now is that time.
It may seem a bizarre thing to say, but I actually feel fortunate right now. In the context of what we are facing to have had the time that we have, over two months of it, with Adam free of pain, lucid and coherent, has been more than we could have dared hope for. That's not to say it's any easier, or less traumatic, or our hearts are any less broken, or there isn't a constant undercurrent of tears in my eyes ready to burst forth at any given moment. But we have been afforded something that many are not, and as a consequence I've gained a perspective that I otherwise wouldn't have.
We have decided the time is right to stop taking Adam to hospital to receive blood transfusions. It's better that he stays at home where he is comfortable, and we continue to care for him as best we are able. Whilst I have no idea precisely what the coming days will hold, my one fervent wish is for Adam to remain comfortable and without pain.
From the very start of this journey, Alison and I have always done what we believed was the right thing for Adam, for the right reasons. So I can't now allow myself to be the cause of unnecessary suffering through my own selfish (though perfectly natural) desire for Adam to remain with us for as long as possible. Letting go, not giving up.
Letting go … the easiest thing of all … and the hardest thing of all.