Thinking, always thinking …

My mind works in mysterious ways sometimes.

I was sat here earlier thinking that if I could get away with it I’d have Adam straight off the Novalgin, half the dose of Neurontin, and do away with the anti-sickness. What possible motive could I have for this other than being a cruel and heartless father, who wants to see his child in pain? Maybe, subconsciously, that’s really it. However, having watched Adam through the whole of cycle two, and the last three days of this cycle, I seriously wonder what effect this treatment is having. I see and hear about the reactions of other kids, even into cycles three, four and five. And then I look at Adam and ask myself how he can remain so unaffected.

I didn’t like what happened on Monday, but it was a demonstration that his body was having some sort of reaction to the antibody therapy. Are the antibodies really doing their job? Is Adam’s immune system, revved-up by IL-2, attacking neuroblastoma cells whilst at the same time having no discernable effect elsewhere? So I figure, if we reduce all the pain medication to a point where Adam can feel something, then at least we’ll know something is happening. I’m just being logical is all.

Then again, I’d hate to see him in the sort of state he was in during, and after, cycle one. So basically, I’m stuffed; can’t win. Only thing to do is keep hoping that the antibodies are doing their job, and we’ll have a positive outcome at the end of this six months of treatment.

And now I’m sat here thinking about what I thought about earlier, and thinking I should be careful what I wish for. I hope I don’t wake up in the morning now to find Adam having all sorts of pain and adverse reactions to the treatment. Damn, bugger and blast.